


Pigs In Spaaaaaaaaace

by Kayim



Category: Star Trek (2009), The Muppets
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-26
Updated: 2009-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-03 02:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayim/pseuds/Kayim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kirk and his crew assist Captain Piggy of the Starship Swinetrek when her ship becomes damaged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pigs In Spaaaaaaaaace

As soon as the other ship drifted into sensor range, Chekov alerted Kirk.

"Keptin," he said, as he continued running scans and checks on the console in front of him.  "We have an unidentified ship directly ahead of us."

"Unidentified?" Kirk questioned.

"Yes sir," the navigator responded.  "It does not match the specifications of any known starship, either Federation or otherwise."

"On screen."

A small ship was barely visible in the centre of the viewscreen.

"Magnify."

As Kirk gave the command, the ship grew to a visible size.

"Good God," breathed McCoy.  "What is that thing?"

Resembling nothing they had seen before, the ship could only be described as archaic in appearance, with no propulsion systems that could be seen, and a nose cone that resembled a pig’s snout.

"Captain, we’re being hailed."  Uhura’s voice was as calm as ever, but as Kirk glanced in her direction, he could see the brief look of confusion that showed on her face.

"On screen."

The bridge crew of the Enterprise starred at the viewscreen in astonishment.  

Looking back at them from the bridge of the other ship was a pig.  A pig wearing a silver lamé spacesuit and a blond wig.  

"Well, hello there," the pig drawled, fluttering her eyelashes at Kirk.  "What is someone as handsome as you doing out here in my part of the galaxy?"

Kirk was stunned into silence.  His crew looked at him, hoping for answers that he couldn’t provide.   He had seen all manner of species in his time, many humanoid in appearance, others not, but there was something unusual here.    
This was not simply an alien being that resembled a pig.  This was actually a pig.  Wearing lipstick.  And flirting with him.

"I…I’m… Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise."  He felt humiliated – he had never stuttered in his life, but something about this whole scenario had tilted his world on its axis.  

Snapping off a salute that would put many Academy cadets to shame, the pig smiled at him.  "I am Captain Piggy of the Starship Swinetrek," she said.  "My ship appears to have had a malfunction.  I could use some assistance."

Kirk gulped.  "We will, of course, offer any help we can."

"Perfect," Piggy replied.  "How about you come over to my ship and I show you around.  In person," she added, looking more predatory than a pig should be able to.

Kirk looked at Sulu, who shrugged his shoulders.  He didn’t know what to make of the porcine shaped ship that seemed to hover in front of them.  "No recognizable weapons," he said, quietly enough for his voice not to be picked up by the comm system.  "But I can’t tell you any more than that."

Kirk turned his back to the viewscreen to check with his Science Officer.  Spock was busy tapping away at the console of the science station.  "Atmosphere in their ship appears breathable, if somewhat saturated with sodium chloride.  Nothing that should harm you."

"In that case," Kirk turned back to the viewscreen.  "I would be honoured."  

The look in his eyes clearly indicated that he was anything but.

***  
Taking just McCoy and Scotty with him, Kirk signalled for the Ensign to start the transport.

As they materialized on the other ship, the sight that greeted them was even stranger than the one they had previously seen.  Four beings were standing in front of them, some wearing silver lamé outfits similar to the Captain’s and others wearing nothing at all.

"So many strapping young men," Captain Piggy smiled, stepping towards Kirk.  She ran a finger down his chest, allowing it to catch in the waistband of his regulation trousers.  "I do love a man in uniform.  Almost as much as I’d love to see you out of it," she added with a low whisper intended for only Kirk to hear.

Scotty coughed back a snort of laughter as Kirk’s face turned scarlet.

"Ahem." McCoy interrupted, trying to save his friend any further embarrassment, and attempting to get the meet and greet back on track.  

Piggy didn’t move away from Kirk, but, to his relief, she at least removed her hand from his waist.  "This is the rest of my crew," she waved her hand towards the eclectic gathering of species that stood nearby.  She grabbed Kirk by the hand and tugged him towards the door.  "They’ll explain the problem", she addressed McCoy and Scotty.  "I’ll show the Captain around the ship."

With a look of terror on his face, Kirk let himself be pulled out of the room.

***  
Scotty followed the bear down a long corridor, past what seemed like hundreds of doors.

As they walked, Scotty noticed one door that was partly open and he could hear sounds coming from the room.  He slowed down, hoping to catch a glimpse inside.  As he got closer, the sound became more recognisable as music – Earth music, from the mid-20th century, he realised with a start.

As he reached the door, he intended to stop, but found Fozzie tugging on his shirt sleeve, urging him on.  

"No slowing down," the bear said.  "Don’t wanna be late."

With a sigh, Scotty carried on walking.  He was sure, however, as he moved away that he heard an animal growl, over the sound of a manic drum solo.

"This ship o’ yours seems a lot bigger when you’re inside it," he remarked as they turned into another identical corridor.  "If I didn’t know better, I’d reckon we were walking around in circles."

Fozzie stopped and turned back to face him.  "Oh, no, no," he shook his head so furiously that Scotty wondered if the hat on the bear’s head would fall off.  "Not circles.  More like squares."

Looking around, Scotty realised that they were, in fact, back exactly where they had started.  "I thought we were supposed to be going to engineering?"  
Tilting his head in confusion, the bear asked "What’s engineering?"

***

"I have to admit," McCoy said to the frog, "I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anyone of that species before."  He nodded towards the strange blue creature with the extremely prominent nose.  Or trunk. Or snout.

Kermit nodded.  "Gonzo’s certainly one of a kind," he replied.  "Not even he knows who or what he is.  That’s one of the reasons we’re out here," he added.  "It’s not easy for him, you know.  Or any of us.  We’re all unique in our own way and sometimes that’s a tough thing to live with."

"How did you end up here?"

"On the ship?"

McCoy nodded.

"Well, that’s a bit of a long story," Kermit said, sitting down in one of the chairs that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.  He crossed his legs in a very un-froglike manner and settled down.   McCoy, realising that he wasn’t going anywhere soon, sat himself down across from the frog and made himself comfortable.

"It all started with Miss Piggy," Kermit began.  "As most things do.  She was First Mate on the ship originally, serving alongside 23 other pigs under the command of Captain Hogthrob.   The captain was a good pig, but he had certain ideas about what Miss Piggy should be doing as his First Mate.  Most of those ideas involved doing laundry and cooking.

"Well, one day she got a little fed up with it.  She seized control of the ship and landed it on the planet Koozebane, where she told them there was a huge ocean made of swill.  Sure enough, every one of them left the ship to follow their noses, leaving Miss Piggy alone on the ship, just has she had planned.

"The rest of us," he added, clearly heading towards the end of the story, "joined her from various planets along the route, and we’ve been together ever since."

"She’s certainly one determined pig," McCoy offered, not having anything else he could possibly say in response.

Kermit sighed.  "That she is."

Trying to understand the situation a little more, McCoy tried a more direct track.  

"Where are you from?" he asked, surreptitiously scanning the frog to try and get some clue as to what was going on.  He didn’t think the answer he was going to get would make any more sense than anything else that had happened in the past couple of hours.

"There’s a lily pond just down by the river," he replied wistfully. "I grew up there with my 800 brothers and sisters.  We were a small family, but close."  
McCoy glanced down at his tricorder, which was giving readings that appeared to make no sense at all.  Not one of these crewmen were of a species encountered by the Federation before, and none bore even a passing resemblance to anything held in the computer’s databanks. With the exception of their appearances, which seemed to be those of Terran animals – a frog, a pig, a bear and a few chickens – nothing was as expected.

***

Scotty looked around the small engine, muttering quietly to himself about the impossibility of such an engine actually being able to make the ship move.

He noticed something further back, buried deep amongst what looked like old fashioned gears and levers.

"I think I’ve discovered the problem." He reached in further, stretching until he could reach the object.  He pulled it out and turned to face the bear.  "There’s a rubber chicken in the engine."

"What’s an engine?"

Scotty sighed.  "I thought you were the chief engineer?"

Fozzie shook his head again, the hat still threatening to fall off.  "Nope," he replied proudly.  "I’m the comedian.  Wocka Wocka!"

Looking at the comedy accessory he held in his hand, Scotty couldn’t help but agree.  "You’re right," he said.  "This place is one big joke."

From somewhere behind him, a  comedic drum roll punctuated Scotty’s sentence and he wondered what they’d gotten themselves into.

***

"And this is moi’s boudoir."

Piggy leaned against the open doorway in the most suggestive pose she could manage.

"Umm, I appreciate the tour," said Kirk quickly, looking anywhere but at her, "but wouldn’t it be more useful for me to see the bridge?"

Fluttering her eyelashes and altering her pose to expose more of her cleavage, she asked  "Are you sure you don’t want to come inside and see my scratchings?"

Desperately biting back a shudder of horror, Kirk shook his head. "While I’d love nothing more, " he lied, taking a step back as she reached her hand and began caressing his thigh, "I’m afraid Starfleet regulations strongly prohibit such things."  There was a first time for everything and Kirk sent a silent thanks to whoever had come up with that particular regulation.

Before Piggy had a chance to react, a whooping noise filled their ears.

Automatically, Kirk reached for his phaser, spinning around to locate the source of the danger.

"Not again," Piggy sighed as she straightened her jumpsuit.  Kirk followed her as she rushed down the corridor towards what he hoped would be the bridge.

***

The sight that greeted Kirk when he stepped into the room was not one he could have possibly imagined.

A chicken – a real one, unlike the one Scotty had discovered – appeared to be stuck between a set of sliding doors.  A feeble squawking sound was coming from the animal, while nearby, several other chickens rushed around, flapping their wings in panic.

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN THAT ALARM OFF!" Piggy shouted, struggling to be heard over the ever-increasing noise.  No sooner had she spoken than the sound disappeared.

"Damn stuck pig alarm," muttered Piggy under her breath.  "GONZO!!"  Kirk was amused to note that she didn’t seem to need a communications device at all – she just hollered.

Moments later, the strange blue creature ran into the room, closely followed by a frog and Dr. McCoy.

"Camilla!" Gonzo cried out, rushing towards the chicken.  With a feat of strength that should have been impossible for a creature of his size, he prised open the doors.  The chicken gasped for breath as it collapsed in his arms.

"Help her, please, someone."

Kirk looked at McCoy.

"Oh no you don’t, Jim," the doctor replied to the unspoken order.  "I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian."

"Did somebody call for a veterinarian?"  Appearing as if from nowhere, a brown dog with long droopy ears popped up from behind the Captain’s chair.  He was dressed in a surgeon’s gown and facemask.

"Dr. Bob," cried Gonzo.  "Is there anything you can do?"

The dog shook his head.  "Probably not," he said, with a look of disinterest.  "But if anyone would like a meal, I have a wonderful recipe for southern fried chicken."

At this, Gonzo burst into tears.

Unable to resist getting involved, McCoy sighed and went over to the chicken.  He held out his tricorder, checking for familiar life signs.   "It seems to be alive," he said to no one in particular.

The frog walked up and stood beside McCoy.  "Can you do anything for her?" he asked.

McCoy looked at Kermit and raised an eyebrow.  "Her?" he questioned.  
"Camilla," Kermit replied.  "She and Gonzo are an item."

Choosing to ignore that last sentence, McCoy reached into his medical pack and pull out a hypo spray.  "I have no idea if this will work on a chicken," he said.  "But it’s the only thing I can do."   He pressed the metal device to the chicken’s neck and injected it with a stimulant, hoping that it wouldn’t overtax its heart.

A few tense moments passed before the chicken regained consciousness.  

"Camilla, my love," Gonzo hugged her tightly, as McCoy slowly backed away.  "What were you doing in this part of the ship?  You know you always get caught in the doors."

The universal translators that the Enterprise crew carried seemed unable to interpret the clucking of a chicken, but Kermit made his way to where they stood and explained the situation.

"She was trying to escape from him," he explained.

"From who?" McCoy asked.  "Gonzo?"

"Oh no," replied Kermit, glancing around the bridge as if looking for something specific.  "From the Chef."  His voice was a low conspiratorial whisper.

At the prospect of food, Scotty’s eyes lit up, until he heard the strange sound that was getting closer to them.

"Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!"

"Okay," decided Kirk.  "That’s enough."  Making sure that his officers were next to him, he flipped out his communicator.  

"Enterprise," he shouted trying to make himself heard over the collection of noises that were building up around them.  "Three to beam up.  And make it snappy."

As the three of them began to fade out of view, the wailing sound of a pig could be heard.  "Kirky-wirky!  Come back to moi!"

***

Back on the bridge of the Enterprise, thankfully bereft of chickens, frogs, bears and pigs, Kirk slumped down into his chair.  McCoy and Scotty stood behind him, both unable to speak.

"Mr. Sulu, plot a course away from here," Kirk ordered, shivering at the memory of the pig and her scratchings.  "As fast and as far as you can."

"Captain," Spock stepped away from his console and moved closer to the three men.  "May I enquire as to what occurred on the alien vessel?"

"Oh, you can enquire, Mr Spock," Scotty answered before Kirk could think of a reply.  "But you’d never believe us if we told you."


End file.
